unloose describe practical steps and gentle given by our own permission to see and describe increasingly smaller and more complex steps surrounding us gentle unplanned and automatic as lungs fill exchange gases or messages

I went to see a free screening of "habla con ella," by almodovar. I’m not feeling well, wearing a big fuzzy sweater and a hat for protection. I was curious to see who, if anyone, would be there. a handful, one of whom I’ve told you about, the one who seems worthy, but too young. yes I have a hopeless crush, but it doesn’t matter. I am feeling, in an almodovar spirit, that I should talk to you as bendigo talked to alicia. the night is cold and smells of damp fire, if that makes sense. like rain, and a fire. they are burning the woods around the river, and I can smell the cinder and smoke even in my house. iowans are very eco-minded, so they must be burning the woods for a good reason, but i worry about the bunnies, squirrels, hedgehogs, deer, birds. I want to smoke, myself, but I’m trying to quit. cole says she’s looking for a reason to start. me, I just harm myself, kind of on purpose, trying to jolt myself out of this stupor, smoke to stay up, fruitlessly trying anything to achieve clarity. most days I walk around feeling as if I am in a coma, as if nothing is in focus. I drink coffee and smoke cigarettes wishing to see again, to live again, as I once used to. sometimes I think the only cure is to be in love, it is only then that the world is so vivid it burns.

I’d have to say, I agree with my mother. she raised me a feminist, and I’m afraid I’ll never be able to see without that lens. regardless of almodovar’s orientation, he seems to see woman as a womb to fuck with huge tits, a mysterious and dangerous Eve who gets into trouble, and who is never treated with proper respect by men until she is unable to live like a human, until she is sick, helpless or dead. almodovar does has a queer and open view of the world, he has a wonderful sense that the world is starved to see the beauty and uniqueness of Spanish culture, and for that I am glad, to experience the music and art and dance he portrays. but ultimately, his films are about women and sex. this film has a stunning scene involving a silent film character who shrinks and enters his wife, naked, with his entire body. it reminds me of a lesbian comic book I have, but of course in my comic book the women are anatomically correct, and in almodovar they are reduced to slits and holes. of course the matador has to die. no strong woman in a movie ever lives.

except, like, barbarella.